With This Ring...

This past weekend, I was at the wedding of two amazing friends. My excitement as the weekend approached was comparable to a kid on Christmas Eve. Not only was I able to witness the wedding of my friends, but I was able to share the celebration with some of my best friends.

Grant and Laura’s wedding was absolutely beautiful. I don’t think I have teared up more at a wedding than at this one. Their wedding ceremony was full of personal touches and was so God-centered. I have been a witness of their story. The joy of being able to be a part of this day along with all of our friends, who were also witnesses to their whole relationship, brought so much more meaning to the day. The reception wasn’t half bad either :-) I ate probably some of the best food I’ve ever had in my life, hands down the best wedding DJ, and had tons of fun dancing and being ridiculous with friends.

I loved being able to catch up with all of my friends. We’ve been apart for months now, but we can all still come together and pick up where we’ve left off. We share a special bond like no other. I was so encouraged by the stories of my friends. So many of them are now involved in some form of ministry. We all studied and worked alongside of each other, challenging one another to be better, to think deeply, and to keep going as we dedicated our lives to ministry. Now as we come together, we are able to hear about life and how we are dedicating our lives to our ministries...through the good and bad.

This weekend was amazing. A large chunk of me wished that we could go back to our Taylor days, and my heart hurt a bit as I said goodbye so quickly to these dear friends. The short time we were together encouraged me so much. Just like during our Taylor days, these dear friends of mine encouraged me to keep going, to keep pursuing holiness and godliness, to keep dedicating myself to the work that has been placed before me. They did this all without words. I guess that just goes to show what kind of friends I have, and I cannot express in words how thankful I am for them. I am blessed.

“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart...”

-Philippians 1:3-7a

Delayed Reaction

I have been doing a lot of internal processing lately. I am usually a verbal processor with my close friends, but I am finding that those opportunities are not as frequent as they once used to be. I am into a new phase in my life, which has been full of new and wonderful things, but I am still finding some of the change to be difficult.

I’m going to write as if you and I were sitting together chatting over a cup of coffee. Consider this a good heart to heart...the verbal processing if you will. I think I am having a delayed reaction to all of the change in my life. After the summer, I thought I was going to miss going back to Taylor, miss school, miss the learning and challenging environment, and feel a gaping hole in my heart by the separation from my friends. I expected this year to be a year of loneliness. I think I have a fear of being left behind or something, so the idea of staying at camp while the 50 summer staff (and some of my closest friends) moved on and away from me was a painful idea for me.

However, I was completely wrong. Don’t you LOVE when that happens (*note slight sarcasm here)? I almost immediately found that the “quieter” camp life was exactly what I needed after finishing a full summer of camp, which had immediately followed my most difficult semester (workload-wise) and graduation from Taylor.

I am now four months into the internship, which is crazy to think about. It hasn’t always been wonderful, and I have had rough days here and there, but you know as well as I do that no matter where you go or what you do there will always be those days. I think that it is because I now feel settled here that I am facing the delayed reaction to everything. I have found that I am missing people more frequently. I am missing the ease in which I used to be able to talk and hang out with friends. I’m not only referring to my friends at Taylor, but my close friends from home and camp. The change in my schedule plus the lackage of cell phone reception at camp makes communicating with people much more of an effort and requires more of those who wish to talk and catch up with me. To those who have made the effort to track me down, get a hold of me, set up a skype chat, etc.: it has meant the world to me.

I would go on more and more about what else my delayed reaction has caused me to miss and want, but the point of this coffee chat of ours is not so I can whine and have a “woe is me” type of conversation. The point is more to note that I am processing a ton right now... a lot of it is the result of my delayed reaction. Through my processing, I am realizing just how much I need to work on in my own life. There are so many areas that I am falling short in right now. One thing that is true of my expectation of this yearlong internship is that I would have a lot of time to face who I am. You learn a lot about yourself when it’s just you and God. Ironically, I have been seeking more alone time at night than is characteristic of me (the extrovert). Maybe this is because I am in a phase of seeking...seeking to discover who I am in that alone time, seeking time to challenge myself, and ultimately seeking God, who I know has the answers I seek.

When Words Fail

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis

I began writing a more extensive blog addressing this quote, but I have found that tonight my words are failing me. I will instead let this amazing quote by C.S. Lewis speak for me. If you are reading this, then I encourage you to keep on loving others. Keep on trusting. Don't get me wrong, it hurts...a lot, but don't build up the walls. Break them down. Be vulnerable. Don't give up.

A New Leaf

I have decided that I am an awful blogger. Seriously. There are so many times where I think...hmm...I started a blog awhile ago...I should write something in that space. Then things happen and I get distracted; however, I am turning over a new leaf. I am now going to begin regularly using this space. Hopefully. Don’t hold me to it.

Putting that all aside now...I want to use this space to write, to create, to explore new thoughts and process old ones. If you are reading this, then welcome to my mind (it’s a scary place to be). I wrote once a long time ago that I don’t like blogging that much. This is mainly because the concept of sending out my own thoughts and ideas into the great unknown which is the world wide web is intimidating. Anyone can read my thoughts and (whether you are a close friend of mine or not) it is intimidating to think of the high vulnerability factor involved in this. I prefer discussions and feedback because at least then we are able to sit down (or stand...whatever works), dialogue, and have a conversation about what I am thinking, what you are thinking, come to an agreement, or agree to disagree. I am able to read you and tell what you are thinking or how you are responding. This is not the case in blogging. It is much more vulnerable. Therefore, I have not put much out there into this blogosphere of mine, but now that I am in a new stage of life I am more willing to jump in with both feet into this whole blog thing. So now that I have had my spiel (yes I had to look up how to spell spiel) on blogging, I will proceed to do just that: blog.

Look forward to a new entry soon because it’s coming.

Name and Claim

Lately, I have been doing a lot of worrying and fearing. I have been allowing a lot of old fears to resurface and have begun to believe a lot of lies in my life. Tonight, I finally sat down to journal out all I have been thinking and feeling, and it turned into a prayer to God naming the fears I have. It was funny how easily the list flowed out. As I wrote, I don't think I even paused to think of any of the things I was writing down, but the honesty which came out through doing this was incredible.

I think it is sometimes easy to lie to yourself about what you are really thinking or feeling because ultimately you hope that in lying to yourself you will eventually believe that lie to be true. In theory it should work, but I don't think it's healthy. I realized how much I have been carrying these fears on my own and, instead of dealing with them, I bottled them up or chose to carry them...might as well add it to the top of the pile, right? Well this has caused me to carry a very heavy load of fears and worries. I realized that I needed to give all of these to God and allow Him to claim them. They are not mine to carry anymore.

Romans 8:15: "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry 'Abba, Father.'"

2 Timothy 1:7: "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

I have no doubt that these fears will resurface...that I will look back sometime in the near future and realize that once again I have picked my fears up again and am trying to do it on my own. Instead of being discouraged by this, I will continue to fight to give these things to Him. Worry, fear, anxiousness...whatever it is, it does not come from God. I'll continue to name the things in my life that I know I struggle with and allow Him to claim them, to take them from me so that I can experience peace, joy, and freedom in Him.

Out with the Old, In with the New

So far, this blogosphere of mine has served a very surface level purpose. That will change in the weeks and months to follow, but for now I am going to put aside the deeper issues and circumstances of this past week and simply focus on today.

My old laptop (*cough PC) is on the fritz. It has been very temperamental lately, and I worry that it will completely die as I'm in the midst of writing both my Pstrat and Greek papers in the coming month. Not only this, but it always seems to be on the verge of exploding. The fan enjoys running constantly, and I often get looks of confusion and annoyance as the noise level of the fan increases, usually most conveniently while I'm in the library amongst the quiet, studious people. As a result, my parents have amazingly replaced my old laptop with a new laptop (MAC!) as a graduation present. This way, they will no longer have to worry about their daughter blowing up during her laptop explosion. Just kidding...this is not a serious concern, but really...

My parents are incredibly generous and I am now the proud member of the Mac club. The only annoyance will be in converting my files from my PC to my Mac, but I think that is a small sacrifice for this large upgrade. So it is out with the old and in with the new for me! Goodbye PC, I don't think you will be missed. Heellloo Mac, welcome to the family.

The first photo...my mom enjoyed entertaining herself with PhotoBooth, but let's be honest... She's not the only one.

Newbie

I have now successfully created a blog! You could say that I am a bit of a newbie when it comes to this type of thing, but for some reason I thought it would be great to have a place where I can post my thoughts, ponderings, and opinions. I like the thought of having a place where I can process things and if friends and family want to read it, then so much the better!

I have a feeling I won't keep up well with this blog, at least at first, but I want to allow this to be my creative nook, if you will. I will attempt to experiment and stretch myself creatively. I'm a newbie, but I will learn. There is not much else to add to my very first blog, especially since I am beginning this after amidst my sleep deprivation from paper writing last night.

Until Later...