Delayed Reaction

I have been doing a lot of internal processing lately. I am usually a verbal processor with my close friends, but I am finding that those opportunities are not as frequent as they once used to be. I am into a new phase in my life, which has been full of new and wonderful things, but I am still finding some of the change to be difficult.

I’m going to write as if you and I were sitting together chatting over a cup of coffee. Consider this a good heart to heart...the verbal processing if you will. I think I am having a delayed reaction to all of the change in my life. After the summer, I thought I was going to miss going back to Taylor, miss school, miss the learning and challenging environment, and feel a gaping hole in my heart by the separation from my friends. I expected this year to be a year of loneliness. I think I have a fear of being left behind or something, so the idea of staying at camp while the 50 summer staff (and some of my closest friends) moved on and away from me was a painful idea for me.

However, I was completely wrong. Don’t you LOVE when that happens (*note slight sarcasm here)? I almost immediately found that the “quieter” camp life was exactly what I needed after finishing a full summer of camp, which had immediately followed my most difficult semester (workload-wise) and graduation from Taylor.

I am now four months into the internship, which is crazy to think about. It hasn’t always been wonderful, and I have had rough days here and there, but you know as well as I do that no matter where you go or what you do there will always be those days. I think that it is because I now feel settled here that I am facing the delayed reaction to everything. I have found that I am missing people more frequently. I am missing the ease in which I used to be able to talk and hang out with friends. I’m not only referring to my friends at Taylor, but my close friends from home and camp. The change in my schedule plus the lackage of cell phone reception at camp makes communicating with people much more of an effort and requires more of those who wish to talk and catch up with me. To those who have made the effort to track me down, get a hold of me, set up a skype chat, etc.: it has meant the world to me.

I would go on more and more about what else my delayed reaction has caused me to miss and want, but the point of this coffee chat of ours is not so I can whine and have a “woe is me” type of conversation. The point is more to note that I am processing a ton right now... a lot of it is the result of my delayed reaction. Through my processing, I am realizing just how much I need to work on in my own life. There are so many areas that I am falling short in right now. One thing that is true of my expectation of this yearlong internship is that I would have a lot of time to face who I am. You learn a lot about yourself when it’s just you and God. Ironically, I have been seeking more alone time at night than is characteristic of me (the extrovert). Maybe this is because I am in a phase of seeking...seeking to discover who I am in that alone time, seeking time to challenge myself, and ultimately seeking God, who I know has the answers I seek.